Hey there naughty!
Recently Mark Zuckerberg was working late as one of his daily meetings on how to “eliminate the concept of privacy” just took too long.
Luckily for the world, he forgot to duct-tape his laptop camera this one time so we could, fortunately, obtain the following image:
As he picked up a tablet his wife gave him a heart attack by sending him this horrible content.
Immediately upon seeing the image we have distorted for your protection, Mark was sent into anaphylactic shock due to extreme levels of lewdness, police were called to investigate immediately. Unnamed floating devices carried him back to his Martian saucer to see if anal probing would prevent permanent health damage or more drastic alien healing methods need be employed.
We have no news about the severity of his current condition, unfortunately.
Thus Facebook and Instagram ban naughty emoji use as part of a movement to crack down on horrible sexual expression.
Some people here and there are expectedly outraged. But my grandmother threatened to send me some of these horrific emojis if I didn’t deliver her part of the story. So we let the senior woman speak:
“I’m a 75-year-old git and I already predicted this, Marky and some concerned groups were having a good wholesome meeting. Myself and a bunch of parents kept getting upset with finding our 13-year-olds charging our credit cards with Gamer Girl Bathwater.
That and whatever the heck private snapchats are, where teen girls promised to shove baseball bat sized dildos up their ear canals and other orifices. You could maybe see and we were upset and demanded immediate action. We used to at least have to go to a street corner to buy prostitution, but apparently it has reached our couches and there’s no running away from it.”
Unfortunately, it seems that Facebook is first to address the growing invasion of prostitution into mainstream platforms unlike people like say, Twitch.
This useless and stupid measure, however, will come at the cost of you having to appeal bans for talking to your significant other or sending pornhub links to your friends.
It will also mean a sizeable exodus of young people from Instagram since teenagers use that as their Tinder. They are not legally allowed to have accounts at sex finder apps. And I’m sure I’m going to shock the world with the discovery that people under the age of 18 are actually having sex, who would have thought.
I would at least hope that there would be an upsurge of suggestive imagery to protest this move.
But then I remember how Private Messages were quietly rebranded across all platforms as Direct Messages and nobody noticed. So I think people will take whatever Zuckerburg wants to ram in our throats, without much of a fuss.
After all, the only people complaining about it right now are porn industry sites, whose ability to sell would be diminished because of this.
That and mainstream news notifying us that porn websites are complaining about it. – lol.
You may think I’m leaning on the parody too much, but I would say this article is about as ridiculous as is this bullshit heavy-handed censorship raining down on fruit cartoons, for the sake of some corporate goon sensibilities. Don’t think that the emojis are the only erotic things that are going to be cut down by this new regime.
If we don’t defend Freedom of Peach now?! What’s next? They start calling the SWAT teams to respond to people winking or flashing a tongue? Such ridiculous bullshit – even the Onion can’t make up. It is what we get when emotionless robots-aliens determine standards for how humans should talk to each other – including in what used to be our private conversations.